So I am still working on the Stephanie Halliday story and I have a bit of a scene that doesn't seem particularly well-motivated and would appreciate any further help on it. A brief background/synopsis on what has happened so far:
The story is mostly about a group of teenage girls and all their drama. (Partly based on real life so it may sound really familiar.) Stephanie and Helena are good friends and Allison is a third friend of theirs. Stephanie and Helena have recently been drifting apart somewhat, getting absorbed into different groups, and Allison is not very happy about this because she doesn't have many friends. Allison and Helena don't like Stephanie's new crowd and they get into fights because if it. This is one of them and I need Allison to act kind of unforgivably but I also need Stephanie to still want to hang out with her, partly through laziness and partly through genuine affection for her. This is what I've got so far:
“I’ve got some bad news,” Stephanie said, breaking a meditative silence.
“What sort of bad news?” Allison and I chorused, lifting our heads in anticipation. Stephanie’s grades were not good and we lived in fear that her parents would ground her again or deny her the cellphone.
“It’s not so bad,” she grinned, eyeing our shocked faces in obvious relish, “but you two probably won’t like it.”
“Out with it,” Allison snapped, “I hate waiting.”
“You have to swear eternal secrecy,” she said, “and promise that you won’t laugh at me, okay?”
We both gave our word and edged forward to hear the news.
“I’ve got a crush on Tony,” she whispered, eyes wide. I stuffed a hand over my mouth to keep my word and not laugh. Allison gaped in indignation.
“I told you you wouldn’t like it,” Stephanie said.
“Well, but,” Allison gasped, unable to say anything more.
“He’s a Neanderthal,” I finished.
“He is not,” Stephanie snapped.
“He looks just like one,” I protested. “He’s got a heavy jaw, deep set eyes, no forehead, and speaks in monosyllables.”
“That’s really cruel, Helena,” Stephanie rebuked me. “I don’t know why you say things like that.”
“Sorry, darling,” I said, “I was only joking, you know that. I’m sure he’s lovely.”
“You don’t sound very convinced,” she scowled, but she was, for the time being, mollified. Until Allison began.
“How can you possibly continue to associate with these people after all the advice I’ve given you?” she fumed. “They are the most boring, inconsiderate people I’ve ever met and I don’t think it will do you any good to keep hanging out with them. I don’t like them and I don’t see how you possibly can!”
Stephanie’s brow furrowed in the way it always did when she was about to cry.
“Now, Allison,” I put in, as gently as I could, “don’t you think that’s a little harsh?”
Allison said nothing. She was watching Stephanie intently. Stephanie, meanwhile, had curled up even tighter into herself, drawing her legs closer to her chest in protection.
“I’m sorry,” she said, quietly, “you don’t have to like them, but I do.” She paused, biting her lip, brow still furrowed. “And if that makes me a worse person…” she trailed off.
“I’m sorry, darling,” I said, reaching out to touch her, tentatively, on the shoulder. “Why don’t you tell us about him?”
The air cleared a little bit and Stephanie emerged slightly from her ball.
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2 comments:
actually, rose, i like this a lot. you're really good with dialogue and fleshing out characters with it. as for what you were wondering about...maybe you could reword allison's rant a little bit, since it seems a little awkward. maybe like:
"How can you possibly continue to associate with these people after all the advice I’ve given you?” she fumed. “They are so boring, so inconsiderate, and you know what will happen if you keep hanging out with them. And what about us? Are we not shallow enough or something?”
Stephanie looked up at Allison in shock, then away, her brow furrowing in the way it always did when she was about to cry.
“Now, Allison,” I put in, as gently as I could, “don’t you think that’s a little harsh?”
Stephanie's eyes were wide. "I didn't mean that at all!" she burst out.
Allison said nothing. She was watching Stephanie intently. Stephanie, meanwhile, had curled up even tighter into herself, drawing her legs closer to her chest in protection.
“I’m sorry,” she said, quietly, “you don’t have to like them, but I do.” She paused, biting her lip, brow still furrowed. “And if that makes me a worse person…” she trailed off.
or something...it's your story. i just did that since it gives stephanie a chance to reaffirm their friendship, even if she's disappointed with their response. dunno. that's minor though...i really, really like it.
Thank you very much! This is very very helpful!
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